Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Tell me I'm not the only one who does this...

I have a confession to make: I am one of those people who suspects that there is a mass murderer around every corner, literally. As a general rule I don't like sitting, and if I do happen to be forced into sitting or lying down, I must either be in the fetal position or have my arms crossed over my chest at all times. Even if it's 90 degrees out, you'll never find me not wearing a jacket as an extra layer of protection, and my hair is always secured in a tight ponytail to ensure that the back of my head isn't exposed-- and that's just the beginning of a long list of absurd quirks I rationalize by telling myself it's "for my own protection."

Now comes the fun part. *evil grin* Hypothetically speaking, let's just say you're standing atop a picturesque grassy knoll conversing with friends. If you're me, your brain starts spinning a story, and that story usually goes something like this:

Credit: http://www.nerdapproved.com

These three lovely accordian-playing gentlemen left themselves too exposed by standing out in the open like that. I stand with my backs to walls when I can to avoid being stabbed in the back by a rogue toaster. Unless that toaster is my best friend (hold your recommendations that I see a psychiatrist until the end please) and that toaster's name is also Brutus and I'm also the dictator of my own imperialist nation. Then I'd be fine with that. But sadly, thus is not the case, and toasters can also attack while you're sitting, which is why I always tuck my knees into my chest. *adds another item to her Reasons Why I Do Not Participate In The Wearing of Mini-Skirts list* And don't even get me started on pigtails. Pigtails defeat the purpose of wearing a ponytail, which is obviously to protect yourself from being stabbed, punched, or kicked in the back of the head. Wearing them will not give you the magical powers that all anime characters who wear them seem to have. Trust me.

Let's do another hypothetical, shall we? Let's just say you're walking down the street enjoying a deliciously overpriced coffee beverage, when suddenly, a woman dressed in a medieval-looking floor-length gown approaches you and smacks you across the face. Incidentally, I saw this happen once, but thankfully, I was not the one being smacked. I still have no idea where that woman was going or why she was wearing this outfit (it wasn't Halloween, I checked). It looked a little something like this:



Yellow was not this woman's color. She would have looked much better (and more badass) dressed as one of those Zelda-style warrior women. You know the type-- they're always wearing way less armor than they should be and carrying weapons that sort of make you want to run away screaming even though you know it's just a drawing. Like this:


If she had attacked this guy with one of those blades, he would have been a goner. I happen to play enough video games to know that bikini-armor apparently gives you the ability to pull off feats of agility that completely defy the laws of physics. In my professional (read: completely unprofessional) opinion, the more skin you show, the more vulnerable you are. 

I also spend a ridiculous amount of time mapping out possible obstacles and escapes, planning what weapons and/or kung-fu moves I'd use, and cataloging who or what could be used against me in a physical fight. The way I do this every time I enter a room, you would think I had grown up in some sort of war-stricken third-world country, but no. I'm just a regular ol' pacifist living here in the regular ol' USA.